Herskey the 5-legged Dog.

Back about Christmas time, after putting down the last of our 3 big dogs, we were lucky enough to get a freebie from my niece. He's this little ball of fire we named Herskey, and he's one of the 100's of Poodle mix little foo-foo dogs. Luckily he's all black and dark brown, so he's not a little white fluff ball. Nothing really eventful has come about from him. He's not the sharpest dog by any standards, but he can do the normal "come, sit, heal" type commands. He can make it all night without leaving any presents. Yawn.

Then, last Friday night, an epiphany came to our house. No, not the Christian holiday kind, rather the "sudden intuitive insight" kind. The kids were all finally asleep, with no more random questions like "can I have another drink?", "Is that an alien outside?, "Why do people drive cars?", or my favorite "How come mommy has all that hair on her pee-pee? When I grow up, I'm gonna shave it off!" Said hair-enshrouded pee-pee mommy and I sat down on the couch to play some Rockband on the Wii, when our little man Herskey ran over to his kennel to drag out his bed to play with, and by "play with" I mean sexing it up like he's on a plane going down and he's making it count.

Anyone with a dog knows this it just about as funny as it gets, other than when they hump your snobby friend's leg. Bonus points if they're cat people!

So after a few good minutes of laughing, we get our serious voices and are all "Herskey! NO! YOU STOP THAT!!!" Well, apparently we had been laughing too long, as he was at DEFCON 1. For those of you that don't have a dog, or didn't grow up on a farm, or were delivered this morning in a sealed bag, when a dog gets to a certain point, he gets a knot up at the top that the girl dog's who-haa will clamp down on. This is why you see dogs stuck together at the buns when they're done.

He was at this stage, and I guess it's true that all men have half their mind down there, as then thing was trying to run away all by itself. It looked like he was trying to pole vault with a breakfast sausage. Have you ever tried to blow up one of those super long balloons and as soon as it starts to fill it pokes out and you start with that little ball of air? That's what Amy said it looks like.

I asked Herskey if he could make a bunny, but he was far to disconcerted to try. The poor lad couldn't sit down, as the kickstand was in the way, so all he could do was stand there and be an erotic metronome. He started to get scared and kept wanting to jump up on Amy, who is his favorite by far, but alas she wasn't too hip on having a dog bone on her lap.

So now we're at a loss for what to do. Where's the "Dogs for Dummies" book on this topic? I mentally debated on calling the Viagra hot line number, as maybe they would have some ideas. Amy didn't seem to keen on my idea of her just finishing him off. Obviously I couldn't, as that would make us gay. The poor guy has to live his whole life looking like a faggy dog as it is. If his buddies found out he would have to move to a new school.

In the end, all it took was for me to say "let's go outside and potty!" and on the run to the door the monster went back to the swamp. We had several turtle head appearances the rest of the evening, but thankfully the lipstick never came all the way out again.