Death by Pool Tarp

I'm trying to do this all from memory, since I can't find the original post I made of this. Don't expect it to be the same, as I'm sure I've forgotten the majority of it, but you'll get the gist.

Back at in the spring of 2008, we lived at a house that had one of those abominations of fun and leisure, an in-ground pool. For all you people that have fun and enjoy a home pool, know that somewhere hidden, most likely indoors, is the person that takes care of that pool. We pull all kinds of dead things out of it for you to enjoy it. Just remember that, ok?

So anyways at the start of the year, it was finally getting warm enough outside that I could open the pool. It's had a huge tarp over it for the past 6 months, which is plenty of time for an assload of leaves to fall and dissolve on it, 100's of birds to crap on it, and dozens of frogs to spawn 1000's of tadpoles on it. By May, this is all stewed itself into a green slimy water that has to 1st be pumped off.

That's the fun part.

Once all that water was off, and it was left for a few days to evaporate the remainder off, which never really happens, as random rain showers will screw it up. I have a whole Saturday to myself for "that yard work that daddy likes to do" while the rest of my family heads off to Holiday World. They get to have fun while I'm struggling with this stinky pool. My wife said "just leave it until I'm back, and I'll help you." That's when my wiener reared it's ugly head.

"Just open it yourself, there's only a tiny bit of water on it, so it'll be easy!" it said. "You'll get it done really fast, plus then you don't have to mess with it tonight, you can be done early" it added. "She'll be impressed you did it yourself, so we could get lucky tonight!" That's all the encouragement I needed. Guys will do all kinds of awful things, such as kill things, lift heavy things, or sit through Longaberger parties if there's the slightest inkling of sex as a reward.

Guys should never be left unattended with their wieners. They always seem to make so much sense at the time, but they just get us in trouble in the long run.

So I start to take the tarp off. Granted, it's just a tarp, but it's like 30' x 70', so all in all that's a lot of square footage to be full of stinky remnants. Anyone that has ever taken a pool tarp off will understand the "last few feet" dilemma. All that tiny surface of water that never evaporated looks like it's really no big deal, but by the time you get all of it out except the last few feet, it's collected into 100 gallons of nightmare juice. How the crap do you get that out, without it busting its symbolic nut all into the comparatively clear water it was protecting?

There are 2 methods. You either have to get something to suck out as much of that water as you can, or you heave it out. Since I'm lazy, I took the latter option and tried to heave it out. That may be counter intuitive, but it's much less time than spending another hour sumping out that spooge. Needless to say my plan backfired, and all that goodness came flipping out the tarp into the water, like a big green cloud covering the water. Oh well, screw it. Let the filter get it I say.

Where was I? Oh yeah, I was about to kill myself.

The next step is to drag this thing around the house to the front driveway to hose off the half year of bird debris and amphibian fornication. There's still lots of live wiggling going on, and a smell that is hard to forget, or wash off. To add insult to injury, it's a VERY windy day. Wind and tarps are not a good combination, so I carry around some concrete blocks to weigh down the corners. I commence hosing. Since it's such a sunny day as well, to stand on the tarp is really hot, as the water is pretty much evaporating on contact. You can see the steam coming off the thing.

I hate wind.

When I'm about half way finished hosing, a huge gust of wind comes up from behind, catches the tarp despite the blocks, and flings it up and over me knocking me down in the process. Since I'm on an angled driveway, I roll down it a few turns, wrapping myself up in this tarp. And it's hot! And I can't get out! Almost instantly, the air gets so hot inside I'm feeling like I'm suffocating. I'm just imagining myself dead on my driveway, wrapped up like a tadpole and fat guy burrito. My wife probably wouldn't notice and would run me over for good measure.

The only thing I could think to do was to roll myself uphill, and in the process unwind the tarp. Luckily, I was only wrapped like 2 turns, so I got out relatively easy. I'm just covered in failed frog sex and dead leaves, but at least I got out. I finish my work in a huff, as well as somehow cleaning out the pool and all its glory. By the time I go in to shower, I'm more or less dry again. Apparently I had some hitchhikers all day, as two tadpoles washed out of my hair. Ewwww!!

Guess how many times I swam in that pool this year? Answer: 2