Nature wants to eat us!

This post has been a long time in the making. Not necessarily for any difficulty of content, rather a fairly large helping of lazy on my part. I've waited long enough that I had to look through the pictures to even see what the crap I was even going to write. :)

Who here likes chain link fences? They're great for things like keeping your little poopstacker dogs in your own yard, and keeping the neighbor's toddler from going tits up in your pool. They also can be used to keep the bad people out of or inside places, or keep a pop fly from beaning you in the face.

I was made aware of another use recently. Chain link fencing is used to keep giant cats from gnawing on your children, and violating your ass, as they clearly are want to do. All at an arms length away. Welcome to the Exotic Feline Rescue Center!

As people started to queue up for a tour, it started to become apparent that this place is NOT here for the benefit of moron public like myself to meander through with a hot dog and coke, like a normal zoo. This place was built for the benefit of protecting these animals, most of which were taken from black market sellers or or psychos trying to lead a rockstar life by having a fucking tiger in their 2 bedroom apartment. This is a fantastic place, and please go there to throw cash at their donation jar!

Our group ended up being my wife and I, our 3 kids, a friend couple and their 4, and about 5 other miscellaneous people we didn't know. Our guide lady started us off looking at the start up stuff, telling us obvious things like 100% handholding on kids, and stay arms-length away from the fences. We then start walking and round the 1st bend.

Above is the 1st thing we see. A giant ass male lion right up against the fence, not 3 feet away. Actually, it was 3 lions, just they're so big and we were so close, you can only see the one. Pants shitting terror was about to set in, and here's why.

See, this dude is the King of the Jungle. While humans are walking around the mall all mushroomed out of their pants and complaining about Orange Julius not being there anymore, lions are rocking the Serengeti. Lions have no reason to not sink their teeth in to any one's ass, so long as it's to their convenience. Conversely, I have a hard time catching our little faggy dog when he poops on the Barbie rug in my girls' room. I have pizza delivered, because it's such a chore to drive there myself. Making one from scratch is out of the question, and screw you for even thinking that!

So all the power, performance, teeth, and nails are now sitting opposite a fence, and it was not happy we were there. He starts off with this super deep huffing sound, "making us aware of his presence" as the lady says. It's as subtle as a semi blaring it's horn as it's driving over your chest, so you know it's there. I got it Mufasa, you're right there, and I'm not looking at anything else.

In his eyes though, we weren't as aware of his presence as he saw fit, so he does this kickass ninja instant leap from a laying position to a standing and directly facing us position, and lets out this MGM roar! You could feel the pressure in your chest, as well as the pressure being relieved in your pants. Meanwhile the lady is doing her best to calmly get us to start walking the fuck away. Sadly though the 5 other people were pretty much dumbstruck at this point, not moving a muscle, which in lion speak is "hey you big pussy! I'm still here! Neener neener!"

The lion then reared up and smacked the fence, pushing it out a fair amount, and digging at the ground. That's when the owner dude comes running along the path yelling "this would be a good time to move the FUCK along people!" He then did a bit of ass-chewing to the guide, with good reason obviously.

So we carry on, not 10 minutes into the tour, and our 1st real shock already out of the way, we're ready to see what else may want to have us for dinner. As we come to the next area, we're told that one of the tigers we are about to see likes to spray people. I'm not the sharpest sandwich in the deck, so after a few minutes of trying to figure out why exactly they would let the tiger run the water hose, it dawned on me that she don't mean water, she means that ass-spray territory marking juice. We're warned if we see the tail go up, to run to the side, not directly away, as it'll go about 10 feet. She did try to lighten the mood saying if you do get hit, it kind of smells like popcorn. I have a hard time believing anything out of the business end of a tiger smells like that.

This dude above was really cool, he came down from a perch to the fence and just walked back and forth. I can see why people would want to try the whole pet aspect, as they are really cool, but having a 500 pound cat doesn't seem like it would work out. This one was rescued from a meth lab. Not sure if he was a guard tiger, but that seems like it would be overkill. It's not like you can pop in to Pet Smart and get some Iams Ginormous Cat - Hairball Formula food.

Oh, I found out why he liked to walk. The lady pointed out to me that it was casing my kids.

See the excitement on their faces. "Smile for the camera guys, pay no attention to the death in the cage behind you." Mary blinked, she has no focus.

As we were leaving that area, the ass-hose kitty was flopped over on his back, with his belly against the chain link fencing. He was sporting a very impressive Red Rocket, dangling though the fence, that unfortunately I wasn't able to get a good shot of. Since my Blackberry doesn't have any zoom that's worth a crap, I would have had to walk over to that cage, with the express purpose of snapping a tiger dong picture. I didn't want to be labelled "that guy that took a picture of the tiger dong" in all the stories the strangers in the group would later tell their friends, so I just cursed under my breath at the missed opportunity.

The next few sites were uneventful, other than being really cool to look at. I wish I had a better camera other than my Blackberry, so you'll have to deal with the crappy pictures.

Another big ass lion.

This dude was chilling out in his personal pool. It was hot as fuck that day.

Just so people can appreciate how close you are to these cages, I was just shy of arms length from this. I had my phone up to my face so the head would fit in the shot, as directly behind me was another fence, and another tiger.

As a side note, one really cool aspect of this site is how you are essentially in between all these cages, and at any point they will start calling out to each other, letting everyone in a 5 mile radius know they are there.

Tiger sized kitty toy. This is one of those hard plastic exercise balls that's about 2 feet in diameter. You could see through it from the puncture marks. They also had 55 gallon barrels that were almost ripped in half.

Well, after a good hour or so that was the end of our trip. By the end of it everyone was happy, and we all came away with a better appreciation for these people and the work they do. With close to 140 cats at this location, they butcher up a lot of cows, horses, deer or whatnot that people donate from farms. Something like several thousand pounds a week. "Time for dinner kitty, here's your horse ass!" I get squeamish eating chicken that still has the bones in it, so I was very much out-manned by the woman that walked by with a cow femur over her shoulder.

If you're ever in the Bloomington, Indiana region and want to have a memorable trip, check the place out: https://efrc.org/